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Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I laugh in the face of normal.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.