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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.