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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"