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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.