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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!