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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...