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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"