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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.