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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you