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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Iām simply on reserve for the one who deserves
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
The well behaved rarely make history.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.