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I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Tieam... problem solved
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.