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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...