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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
There is no time to check time
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.