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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.