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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"