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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?