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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
My mom says I`m special.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.