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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.