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Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”