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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I’m sad when my food is over.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”