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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.