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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.