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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.