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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.