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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!