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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying