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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!