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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.