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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
There`s no WE in pizza.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"