Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.