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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?