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First fart at my new job.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness