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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.