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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!