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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.