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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.