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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.