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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.