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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks