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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.