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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.