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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.