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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal