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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
It’s not pretty being easy.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.