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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!