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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!