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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.