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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…