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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.