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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.