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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.