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The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!