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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.