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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day