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I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
justin bieber
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Iām going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people Iām going to haunt grows everyday.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married