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when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.