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For once Iād like to get kicked into a bar
take me drunk i`m home
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.