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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.