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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.