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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...