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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.