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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?