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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.