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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.