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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them