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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking