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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?