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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"