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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?