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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.