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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes