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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.