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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.