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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.