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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.