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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.