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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?