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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.