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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes