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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Carfax but for people
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car