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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!