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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.