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"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
All milk is breast milk.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.