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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore