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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.