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The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
How Big is Infinity?
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.