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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?