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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?