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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.