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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Hard butter is the devil.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted