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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
How Big is Infinity?
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.