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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.