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I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.