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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
My memory foam has amnesia