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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?