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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!