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Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!