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I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.