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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.