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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?