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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.