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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."