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My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I`m tired of things costing money
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.