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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.