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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.