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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.