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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.