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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.