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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.