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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?