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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.