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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!