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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I was told there would be kool-aid.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.