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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.