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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.