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Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.