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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.