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I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?