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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.