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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.