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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.