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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.