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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.