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When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"