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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Reincarnation is my only hope.