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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.