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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness