Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.