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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly