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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness