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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.