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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.