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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Iām tired of things costing money.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Girls just wanna have funds.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.