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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.