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I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol