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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm