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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?