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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.