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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.