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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.