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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.