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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.